Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in wynterblood's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
11:14 am	much better great turn around, in the hole still, i need to learn how to budget alot better, blarg. i did find out something that happened to wife the other night, her boss put her to so much stress that she eventually miscarried. that is right, miscarried. she was pregnant and none of us knew it. we were both crushed from it but hey, we don't need anymore problems, especially looking at our current standings: in the hole, work not paying good(but hey its a job), not much money, never home. so in a way it was a good thing. my friend just turned 21, we got her so wasted ha ha ha. i am gaining experience up the @ at school. so i guess i might have found my career in life, a mechanic. i just started to do all standard on ddr, my coordination got a little better than before, i still fail songs but hey, practice makes perfect. well that is the latest scoop and sorryy that i did not post anything in the longest time, school got a bit hectic. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
11:19 am	well here goes greetings all. im back from a good recover but got shot down just this morning when i took a good glance at the college newspaper. a friend of mine and a classmate from my grad class was killed the 2 days ago. she was rear ended by a stupid ass semi truck which sent her driving into another car. the truck driver had apperantely fallen asleep on the wheel. so she was killed by a reckless driver, the other person that she was sent into is in the stormont vail hospital in topeka. i told my friend's that were in that class that lost contact after high school. so to you dearest barbara meyer, may you rest in peace, and you will not be forgotten. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
11:29 am	for those to know what a fuckin great, what was it, ill say 3 weeks this has been. im in the hole again. only double this time, about 600 dollars. don't know how. my anniversary of 2 years is today. i love you baby. i almost commited suicide 4 days ago, now i have scars on my left arm. gained some control again. found out that my support is sort of going down. and i am sort of failing at school, but i hope i can catch up. and my stupid ass manager has me for a little over 40 hours although i told his retarded ass that i need school time, so i got written up cuz i did not go do shipment at 1am when i go to school at 7. it takes about 2 hours to unload a truck. fuckin dumbasses. so i am getting really pist about this. and i told my self that i will not go down again. and i am praying and riting that it will not happen again. if it does, i guess i am in a living damnation...bleh. Current Mood: rushed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
11:03 am	a new life...again! well here is the scoop. my 2 year anniversary is at hand an i am happy as hell. i don't know what to get her other than a trip to a bad ass ren fest. i just found out that my dad is in a shithole from all the stupid things that he has done. he talked smack about his exgirlfriend who happend to work at the same place, recorded it and heard it coming from him and she is now suing his ass for 100,000 dollars. he was asking for it. since i moved out, he has now had a total of over 12 girlfriends in the last 4 years. and most of them he left pregnant so i probably have a bunch of half sibblings. i hate him for that. well that is all that is happening for now. oh, my wife just got a new job. her last one she had,she is a licensed nail tech, worked for some stupid ass manager. her shit was being stolen from some bitch i know. my wife told her boss. she said ill see what i can do. and she did nothing. it continued. she complained to her again. and she said take your things with you then. she did that. and now she is accused of stealing salon property...bullshit!. so that is my scoop for the last, what, 2 weeks. Current Mood: angry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 9th, 2004
8:31 pm	the return of pain after she left. i tried so hard to keep in touch. it was tough. i felt like a prisoner. i had no long distane, no computer then, and the only way to keep in touch is to dish over 5 bucks for a cheap phone card that was less than an hour. i thought how the hell am i supposed to do this. i even thought about having open relationship and long distance. nope. couldn't do it. i was going mad. my attitude started to sink quickly. i was forced back to the way i was. my moms boyfriend, raul, had a son who he wanted to invite into our house. he was cool. ironic that he was a raver and i have never seen him before, then again, you see alot of people and forget about them. i wanted to stay away from that. i did not want to o.d again. it came back. just a little weed is all it took. then it became a regular thing. then he showed me this place in the middle of nowhere. this was a spot where a special drug grew. being in the desert area, yeah its possible... he showed me a ginseng seed plant. it was a type of cactus, not peyote, i know that one pretty well. it looked like a fucked up prickly pear tree. he told me to start bagging up some of the pods that were on top. it was this spikey round thing. he showed me how to trip on them. you boil it and drink the tea, it has similiar side affects to acid and shrooms. i was getting into drugs again. i couldn't resist. i had to find a way out of life again and there it was. one day i had a kick back party at my house when i got this phone call. it was rose. she was in town with her family. they wanted to go to mexico for something, i forgot. she came over and we partied, i was so happy to see her. she noticed that i was looking a little greener, if you know what i mean. she then found out that i was back on the habbit after she found my baggie of pills. i thought she was going to leave me. she didn't. she gave me a really bad flashback. she told me that she did not care if i did it, but not to let it take over you. more months past after that. i was alone again. then rose called sometime around december giving me a good christmas gift. she was moving down alone and wanted me to live with her. finaallyyyy. a way out of that hell hole of a house. to make the last part short, here is a quick description from then until now. 1. moved in together without transportation 2. School and work and bills and rent 3. school or work 4. got a car, sort of and rose suffers ankle injury and i am the last hope 5. almost evicted, family did not care if i was on the street 6. rose's parents to the rescue 7. moved to rose's hometown 8. finished high school and got married 9. work, blargh 10. persuing a career and living happy and drug free for sure Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: mortal kombat anihalation sndtrk (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
5:43 pm	continuation of change but like i said. i was changing for the better. after my overdose i knew i had to stop taking my drugs, prescription and none. it was scary, i actually looked death in the eye and got lucky. i had a rough recovery, scary. i continued to smoke cuz that helped with my stress, i look back today and i think, what stress? rose was asthmatic, and allergic to smoke. i thought maybe i should keep a distance when i smoked. that didn't help. the first time i had ever seen her in a sever asthma attack, i threw my cigs away. that's all it took for me. and i felt i was the one that did it because i was smoking near her at the time. boy did i feel like shit that day. we were going pretty steady after we got rid of some of these troubles, but a new one was coming. her dad, who is in the army, was soon to graduate from the sargeant majors acadamy and return home. i was shocked. the one, was going to be forced away from me in less than a couple of months. i said fuck it and spent day and night there just to make sure that we will spend enough time before she left. she had to move from her army housing and i decided to help out, it was the least i can do. their stuff was sent home and they stayed in town due to some car trouble (i think it was an omen). they stayed at a hotel till the car was fixed. i, of course stayed there with them. her dad didn't like me too much, but her mom loved me. my parents, though divorced, kept trying to split us up because she was white and i was mexican. they didn't want me to dirty the pure mexican blood. Pathetic! no one in this world is a pure blood race. no one. the whole settlers thing, this people fucked that people. no one is pure blood. that is exactly what i told them. my dad insisted that white girls were whores and they only wanted my money...what fuckin money. I'm dirt poor. so we fought of all that criticism. i felt that the day before she left, i was to propose and keep a promise that distance can never seperate us because we cared so much. i asked her for her hand in marriage. alot of people told me, your too young, are you stupid, you're ruining your life, and other bullshit like that. she changed me. i had something to live up to no matter how pathetic it looked. i had a goal. she was the one. (Comment on this)
11:39 am	the golden light Finally, the last part of my past that kind of links to my present...that doesn't make sense to you just go with it ha ha ha. Well my girlfriend i call in my journal "rose" is started to date me. we were always together. the group would always tease me about it. but they noticed changes as well. what i wore changed in a way, im not as goth or grungy as i was before. I wanted to appear nicer, it kind of made me feel better. but i dressed more casual, i still love the black and the loud stuff, but more casual. my attitude was alot better, more respectable. how the hell did one person do that much change to someone like my...i have no fuckin clue but it did. i allowed it. i was still on drugs non the less, until something happend to me that made me stop. i had on overdose in school during lunchtime. i passed out and my head hit the concrete, i was with rose at the time. she had my friends help me to the nurses. she was there the whole time and me not noing it. she had true feelings for me if she was there to make sure i was better. i knew then that she was the one. she made me want to live life to the max. i hurt when she hurt. we were linked. i loved her so much that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. im running out of time but the second part will be posted later today. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 6th, 2004
1:39 am	The hole in the Wall This is my final on my past. i am going to continue my past chapters (in short), so you all can get to now my present me. i started to become more sensitive. i had feelings for a lot of people, more than my feelings toward my family. i was caring for people who cared for me in return. the group. they started to change me in a way i never imagined. my wiccan friend intoduced me to a girlfriend of hers. she was just as beautiful as she was. i shall call these girls, rose and wine. rose is the friend of the wiccan friend, wine is the wiccan friend. i started to hang out with rose and wine cuz they were fun and beautiful. i addmired them. if i had to choose, i would take them both ha ha ha. i was getting close to both of them. we shared alot. the group talked to them, hung around them also. they all got along. good for me, i didn't want to feel like a hipocrate. well it was what happend after a while of just kicking back. one day rose was bore beyond belief. she had gathered a bunch of her friends to go to some stupid high school dance. yeah they played my music but how many people went to it, not many. rose, her friends and i all had a blast. i was being nice and generous, i got them drinks, was being a gentleman. some of her friends were starting to like me, as more than just a guy friend. they were getting a little to close to me, cuddly if you could put it that way. i remember a little from a rave but not like this. it felt good. 4 girls, plus rose. i felt nice. i don't mean to sound like i am bragging but i never had anything like that. i was somewhat exploring, i was being liked somehow, which was a definate surprise to me. rose had asked me to a slow song, it was brian mcknights back at one. i had no idea on how to slow dance. so i rocked with her. i felt closer to her than ever before. some of her friends did not like that, so they teased us a bit. i said screw it, they seem like they get envious easily. i did not want to let go of her. she told me a lot about herself that night. i wanted to know more of her. she asked me if i would like to go bowling the night after the dance. simple, a game of bowling, so we are just going to go as friends. it became a little more than that. more cuddling with her than the night before. then it was date three. three nights in a row with rose. that meant something. we watched pitch black. what a date movie. it was ok, not the best. we talked a little that night. it was colder than fuck but we warmed up with body heat. that is when she gave me a kiss. this was a special kiss. i felt a spark between us. i asked her if she believed in soul mates. she did not respond, she didn't even have a clue on what she had done but liked the outcome of it. it was official. i was no longer single. she was the hole in the wall. the bigging to the other side. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
12:55 am	Underground life Hey its me again. i am continue sharing my past and hopefully i can got on with it and share my present and future with you all. As i became more accustomed with the ravers, i started to try it out for a change. it was the best mistake i have ever done. i party'd every weekend. sometimes even on schoolnights. done just about any drug imaginable. i was living under the influence. why did i choose this life style. dont know. all i know is that it was my way out of reality. it was where i can be in peace with my mind. always relaxed. it was bliss to me. i continued doing drugs and other things. i was hanging out with my friend, who was wiccan and single. she was beautiful. i wanted to be with her. she just ended a serious relationship. i wanted to comfort her. she taught me alot. i started to learn the wiccan ways. a wiccan raver...ironic. she wanted me to stop because i was becoming an addict. i did not want to stop because of my situation. i continued to go to raves. one rave in particular was the crystal dreams 3. what a rave. i was the best one that i have ever been to. that is where took my first shot of ecstacy. the other raves i was on acid, but the change was different. i was relaxed. had no clue what i was doing but it felt good. the night was almost coming to an end... in raver time thats 7am. i was wasted. had fun with a bunch of people. made friends with some, and a little more than friends some of the girls...and i never saw them again. and they did not even think i was creepy. they thaught i was cute. yeah, cute. thats the underground life. some that you meet at a rave you might not see again. but sometimes you get lucky, i wasn't. i had that thought of whatever i could remember going on through my head. i had fun. back at school it was the same old. some people said they saw me at the rave. i could not remember who i saw, i was wasted when i walked in. but they told me i was fun. it was my 16th birthday party. my mom actually gave me permission but she did not know what i had in mind. i was gonna PARTY HARDY. my buddies(the group) came over, brought some girls over. i was not wasted yet, and had a serious talk with one of the girls. she kissed me and wanted to get to know me. i was shadey of her, she went around. after my sixteenth birthday, i noticed a slight turn around. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 3rd, 2004
11:06 am	outcast lives on as you all now from my first entry, i had a shity life. but here is a little about my self in my outcast years. where to start. From middle school to high school, i was more of an outcast then i ever was. changed my style completely. i was this quiet semi goth-grunge kid who rarely said anything, was smoking by age 12, and was always getting into trouble some how. My mom, finally noticed that something was wrong when she caught me carving my arm with a razor blade, decided to try to help me. i ended up in psychiatric theropy. so now i guess im suicidal. they did get to know my side somewhat, but i didn't say everything. i was lonely. as lonely as i wanted to be, i was physically lonely and wanted someone with me. i found that someone, a classmate from my first grade class, was dealing with the same things, except for the dramatic childhood events. he was just as physically lonely as i was, so we started hanging out. we did some crazy shit together. had fights everynow and then. even went through changes in our lives together. he was my best friend. but i was still lonely. i saw all these people as a couple, i wanted to be in a couple. that was really tough being the way i was. all the girls were creeped out by me. none of them liked me, beats me to know why not but i didn't really care. still single. my friend got a girlfriend. i was a bit envious but not. i was happy for him. he was starting to get out of the shadows. he was lighting up, sort of. but he liked his dark side and kept it that way. i on the other hand, was put on some serious pharmaciuticals. i was diagnosed as both adhd and seriously depressed. it helped in a way. but not the way i wanted. so for the rest of my middle school years and into hight school, i was on these things and a little tweeked on methamphedamine, my adhd med. it did not occur to me that they prescribed meth to me, i was a god damn minor, a kid. there was this big ol movement going on in el paso, my hometown. break dancing had made a come back. eh just a bunch of aerobatics, no biggie. i knew how to break dance, i had twisted imagination, i did my own style. no one knew i knew how, until someone brought a mat to the commons. i saw a bunch of crazy tricks, steps, pops and locks, the whole nine yards. then someone decided to call me out on the floor. idiot thaught he was all that...i sure showed him. after they saw what i can do, i had 1% appreciation. not bad. i was still creepy, ha ha ha. then a group of punks, goths, skaters, nerds, geeks and other outcasts started to talk to me. i said eh, why not. i liked this group, they did not give a shit. it was a crazy bunch, though they did not look like the type that would hang out together. we kicked backed. went to parties (underground) and i was introduced to a culture known as the rave culture. everyone was loved. i became accuainted. an outcast in a group of ravers. i was with them but not exactly, i was there because i was asked to come. my outcast days were near an end before i saw a way to a somewhat better life. a life under the influence. Current Mood: artistic (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
5:44 pm	before i found the way to the shadows I grew up in a border town of texas. My father ex-marine, my mother, typical housewife(typical as in scary typical aka leave it to beaver). only my mom was mean and strict. i was always the fat kid in school. always being made fun of. I really hated that they judged me before they met me so i became annoying to those that made fun of me. my parants never believed a damn thing that i said. it was all, you're just exagerating, blah blah blah. then one day in my third grade year, some kid hits me in the gut, it hurt by i got even. i defended myself and got suspended for it. who knew self defense can get you in soo much trouble. it was horrible. then every strong bully kid decided lets see just how much fight he has. that was the first time i was jumped. i bled, cried, couldn't breath well. did my parents do anything, fuck no. so i knew then that i was gonna be a loan wolf most of my life. and that is how it was. i wasn't even ten yet and so much happend. i even had an abusive kinder garden teacher. hit me for no damn reason, called me names, and even left bruises. did the school or my parents believe me, fuck no. did they do anything about it, not until some rich kid had that same experience, about 3yrs after my incidents. i mean ridiculous, these are the most tender days of your life, it will scar and stay there. as much as i love my parents, i wish they will burn in hell for that. leaving elementry school, i knew i had to walk down a darker path, so i went for it. loaner by day, loaner by night 24-7-365. i was an outcast at a very young age. Even from my family i become an outcast. my cousins were friends with those that bullied me. my older sister bullied me. little brother blamed everything on me. and my parents said they needed more attention than i did. the only person i ever looked up to was my grandpa. he died a 3 days before 9-11, and was buried the day before 9-11. he was the greatest, had alot of hope for me but knew that i was way too far to be helped. he even wanted to take custody of me, but my mom, his daughter in law, ripped him a new ass for even thinking about it. All he could do was take me to church and prayed things would change. i highly doubted it. i just went to church because my family did. i knew what i wanted and couldn't get it. that is how i found my into a shadowy life. how i was such an outcast and how i hated but at the same time respected all because i knew there i could not do anything. i know that i can't change the past but i wish that it could have been better, and i feel the same way for those that live or have lived that way. and i hope things go better for others are living in shadows. wynterblood Current Mood: mellow (2 Comments |Comment on this)